When the (White) Saints Go Marching In

Mike Karney looks relaxed in a pastel-yellow polo, eating a ham-and-cheese sandwich on his couch while watching a rerun of The Hills. "I knew chicks just like this when I was a kid in San Jose," Karney sighed nostalgically. Yet despite his peaceful exterior, his insides feud even more than Heidi and LC. He's been swept under the rug by his management, his teammates, and yes, even his entire city.

If he was a black running back, perhaps New Orleans would be saying "Reggie who?" and he'd be filming ads for Nike, ESPN, and Sprite right now. Instead, Karney has to mutter a "Serenity Now" while enjoying a nice cold Natural Light and the season premiere of A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila.

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Karney's struggles began at Arizona State. Despite his reputation as the king of the weight room (he holds many ASU weight room records) and his constant drive towards being better and stronger, he wasn't given much love by the coaching staff. "Karney was... well, let's just say he had certain talent restrictions," said Dirk Koetter, the white coach of the Arizona State Sun Devils during Karney's stay at the school. "He wasn't going to get much faster. I mean, let's be honest here." The coach knew that Karney was trying to thrive in his senior year in order to make it into the NFL Draft, yet he relegated him to blocking, only giving him the ball 4 times, and making him the target of passes 14 times. "Certain times of people are blessed with bigger hands, and a certain unmistakable body type that has evolved specifically for superiority at sports," said Mr. Koetter.

He then was drafted on Day Two for the New Orleans Saints. Jim Haslett's team was not doing terribly well, but he was sticking by his quarterback, the black Aaron Brooks. He was handed the ball 3 times his rookie year, and 6 the next. Despite the fact that he averaged 5.3 yards after the catch during his first two years, he was still only targeted 16 times. "It was totally lame," mourned Karney. "Aaron would look around at all his brothas, then if they were all covered, he'd roll his eyes and lob it at me, saying, 'You got lucky this time, cracka.'" Brooks and Haslett made use much more often of Deuce McAllister, Antowain Smith, and Aaron Stecker, all black runningbacks for the Saints during Karney's first two years. "They were always hurting my feelings," Karney said while choking back a tear. "They'd go off to play bones, and when I'd ask to come along, they told me I could if I drive them to Antowain's house in my Caravan. Then after I'd drop them off, they'd sic Antowain's pitbulls on me." It was a time of great fear in Karney's life. "Aaron once told me that the white man took so much from his people, he wasn't about to give a white man his football too." Yet Brooks gave the ball to men of all races on opposing teams, throwing 33 interceptions and losing 4 fumbles. After only winning 11 games during Karney's first two seasons, Brooks and Haslett were both sent packing. Enter Sean Payton, and the man Karney affectionately refers to as "Bro," Drew Brees. But another enemy came into Louisiana, one that made day-to-day life difficult for Karney. Her name? Hurricane Katrina.

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In 2006, Brees was leading his team to victory, an inexplicable comeback tale that was inspiring to the entire underwater city of New Orleans. There was just one problem: Karney still wasn't getting the ball. Instead, it was going to Deuce (whom Karney described as "much nicer with a bigger less-threatening smile" under Payton) and Reggie Bush, the rookie phenom from USC. Still, Karney remained optimistic. "Coach Payton kept saying, 'Wait your turn, Mikey. One day we're gonna pull out our big white surprise.' We'd always laugh whenever he'd say that. Then one day, Karney got his wish, and splashed a big load of white all over the Dallas Cowboys' faces on December 10th. He rushed three times, once for a touchdown, and caught the ball 5 times for 2 more TDs. "It was a dream come true," said Mike, with a Crest Vivid White smile as he recalled the day. "Finally, they were going to include me in the offensive scheme as more than just a blocker."

However, at the post-game press conference, he got an unexpected grilling. "In the wake of how African-Americans were treated in your hometown, how do you have the nerve to outshine Reggie Bush when he is so needed as an inspiration to our people?" was a question thrown at him by Jemele Hill, well-known ESPN ignoramus. "They kept asking Coach and me how we could let the white man shine so much when black people needed a hero in New Orleans... it really hurt that no one wanted me to succeed." He returned home to see signs at the next game reading, "Touchdown White, Not All Right," "No More Cracker Running Backer," and "Let a Fella In With Some Melanin". Payton was given no choice but to put Karney back in his blocker role. "It was upsetting, because I knew Coach and many others saw my potential as an offensive force in this league, but they just told me to get up there and clear the path for the black man to succeed," Karney groaned.

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Now, this season, with Deuce out for the remainder with a torn ACL, Payton has been testing the waters. With Katrina starting to fade in many people's memories, and their White Man Hatred placed upon the shoulders of the suffering Drew Brees, Karney has been given the ball some more. "Bro told me, 'Look, I'm not playing well. And America needs at least one successful white man on this team. Take the torch and run with it, Michael.' And I've been trying to do him proud." So far, he's succeeded. In 6 carries, Karney has scored twice. Sources within New Orleans say Coach Payton has been comparing that state with the 100 times Reggie Bush has gotten the ball in his hands, only to score the same amount as Karney. "Simple mathematics says that white dude could score more points than Reggie," says one inside source. "If Karney'd gotten the ball as often as Bush, we'd potentially have twenty more touchdowns. I don't know a simpler way to break it down than that. Reggie's been spending too much time with ad agencies and white women to realize his job is in jeopardy." But the media, particularly ESPN, wants to keep this story under wraps. "We've been protecting Reggie ever since he did all that illegal shit at USC," said Jemele Hill, ESPN female black reporter. "Why would we stop now just to give some attention to a fat white guy from California? It's bad enough a bad white guy from Cali is fuckin Serena, but one might take our best-looking football star away? Oh HELL no."

"I don't know why ESPN and all the black people in the world look at me like a threat," Karney lamented. "I mean, I didn't own slaves, and if my forefathers did, all I can do is apologize. I try to stay in touch. I watch BET Uncut. I buy the DVDs to Tyler Perry movies. I boycotted Don Imus. I support my local Church's Chicken. I mean, what else can I do to prove that I love black people and I just want to be accepted so that my career can progress??"

***

I ran into the racist Dirk Koetter the other day. What's he doing now? He's the offensive coordinator of the Jacksonville Jaguars, famous for having the only all-black quarterback roster, and famous for benching the most prominent white wide receiver draft pick in years, Matt Jones. "That cracker can't catch for shit," said Mr. Koetter. "The boy doesn't have enough soul to catch a pigskin, and that's the truth."

Karney's statistics show that despite limited touches in college and the pros, his soul might just be able to outglow Reggie Bush's. The media won't talk about it, but if these stats prove right, and Karney continues his outstanding ratio of touchdowns per touch, they'll be forced to acknowledge the growing RB controversy in the Big Easy. Let your soul glow, Mike Karney. Let it glow.